Keep On Keepin' On

It's definitely been a while since I've had reason to write in this.
As much as you might care about someone, when do you say enough is enough?
It only hurts more the longer you hold on, and I've finally realized that I am not a girl that is able to let go easily.

I've decided that I won't let it hold me back. Never give up, never give in.
I've started to put myself back out there, and I have mixed feelings about it.
It's not a secret that I have an admirer or two, but it always happens that they are just not what I am looking for. Although really, do I even know what I'm looking for?

I've gone on a couple of dates, some good, some bad.
At this point in my life, I like the idea of casual dating, but I envy those in real relationships.I have a lot of personal things I need to sort out before I attempt a new relationship, but it's nice to think about.

In other news, I had something interesting happen the other night.
I have been talking to a boy over the past couple of weeks, technically an ex.We were only 'together' for a short while, and were never intimate (high school, obviously).  I don't have any good nicknames for him, so for now we'll call him Link, due to his lustrous blonde locks and gorgeous blue eyes. The other night, we decided to hang out on a whim, after not seeing each other for years.

He picked me up and took me to his brother's house around midnight, and we spent the entire night drinking and talking. There were other people there, of course, but everything pretty much tapered down to him and I and one other guy, just hanging out and having a good time. Around 5:00 am, we decide to lie down, and at that point the other guy put on spanish guitar music and proceeded to dance with a VENGEANCE for about 3-4 hours. It was absolutely hilarious.

He and I cuddled, kissed, and fell asleep finally late morning, and he took me to work.
I had such an amazing night! It makes me smile just thinking about it.
He is really sweet, and it was completely unexpected. I'm just going to go with it, and see what happens.

Barbie is coming over to help me put up my tree, and I'll tell her about Link then.
He invited me out to my favorite bar, it turns out he goes every Sunday, while I normally go on Wednesday for Karaoke nights. So I'm going to go tonight and see how that goes, haha.

Wish me luck?

Out Of The Frying Pan, Into The Fire

I feel like I've traded one batch of sorrows for another.

How is it possible to love so much and hurt so much, all at the same time?

Oh, I guess I should give everyone a heads up: not single anymore.

I just want to be happy. I just want to love someone that loves me back.

Am I not deserving of it?

All of the old fears, insecurities, sadness... it all comes rushing back everytime we get into a fight.

I thought for once I was doing something right, but I always do something wrong.

Can't You Feel My Heartbeat Slow, I Can't Let You Go

Why is it that there are so many options available to me, and the only one I want is unattainable?

I want what I want, but I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings along the way.  

I don't like getting caught up, and somehow that always seems to happen to me.

I like someone, but I feel like things are progressing way too fast. 

I can't help but feel that my actions have only encouraged that, and I'm not sure what it is exactly that I should do at this point.

I want a boyfriend, but I want to be single. 

I want someone to cuddle with, but I want my space, my freedom. 

I am fully aware that I can't have my cake and eat it too, but I honestly don't know what I want right now.

I thought I did, but things are so confusing.

I'm just as bad as The Boy, it seems.

I suppose you could say I want closeness and intimacy, but at the same time I feel like familiarity can only come after a certain point. 

I can already tell that I feel like I need to push away, and I don't understand why I feel this urge so strongly if I actually like this person.

I'm going to a late lunch with The Boy and his daughter, and my own will come along as well. After everything that has happened between us, I'm surprised that we are talking when I was under the impression that we weren't. It's for the best that we probably only meet to let the girls play.  

I wonder if I will always remain this way.

Take A Number Where The Blood Just Barely Dried

I can't do this.
I really, just can't.

Don't Mind Me, I'm Just Feeling Sorry For Myself

Respect, much like trust, is nearly impossible to regain once lost. 

That's how it works for me, at least. 

When you care so much about a person, when you've cared about a person for so long, how do you just let it all go?  It's so difficult to walk away, to cut ties with that person, with whom you've shared so much over the years.

Granted, The Boy doesn't seem to be making it very hard for me to do so at this point.

It just sucks. I'm doing my best to get over myself, and get over him. 

I thought we were such close friends. I suppose it really is impossible to remain friends after a break up, regardless of how close you might have once been before/during the actual relationship.

It's been made abundantly clear to me how our situation is. I don't know what I was expecting, but I thought I meant more than that. I never thought we would get back together, and yet I didn't think he'd treat my heart so callously. So many questions running through my head, never to be asked, never to be answered.

I tried to cut The Boy out of my life completely once before. I stopped talking to him, and whenever I did deign to comment on one of his stati, it wasn't very nice.  Our mutual friends would tell me that I needed to lay off a little bit on the mean streak I was on... I was being a bitch, but it was working.

This was months ago. I thought that, finally, I was starting to really move past this emotional rut I've been stuck in. And then he barged right back into my apartment, into my life, into my heart. 

The thing is, I know that nothing is going to help me but time. I can't invest myself into anything when I still need to rid myself of all this emotional baggage. What a terrible word, baggage. I never wanted to be the kind of person that admittedly has baggage, but here I am... and there it is. The memories, the hope, the hurt.. all of it just hanging over my head (and heart), like an executioner's ax.

I know the majority of my friends are probably frustrated with me over The Boy. 

I also know that I should probably cease all forms of communication with him, regardless of whether or not he still wants to be in my life. It's a simple decision, right? 

In theory, this is correct. 

In reality, or at least in my reality, this is almost impossible.

I have spurned so many people for him, and ended up getting hurt each time. 

You would think I'd have learned my lesson by now.

This time around, I'm honestly trying.

I don't want to make all the same mistakes.

Even still...

The depth of this feeling overwhelms me.
</3

Just One Gear On My Fixie Bike...

Hipsters.

I don't know what it is about them, but they are so attractive.
I was just discussing this very subject with my best friend while we were at Blue Martini last night. (I thoroughly enjoy Blue Martini, by the way)

There's something so attractive about the tattoos, and v-necks. Haha.
They are definitely not dating material, but fuck if we don't appreciate their looks.

There were no hipsters at Blue Martini last night, I do have to say.
Quite the opposite, in fact. We were clearly the youngest ladies there, as the men were all in their late 20s and early 30s... which brings me to my next topic.
Single guys in their 30s are fucking douchers. Plain and simple.
The way things are panning out, I think I'm going to be single forever.
As in, never married. Hear me out, though.

This is my theory:

I have such high expectations for guys. I can only see them getting higher as I get older.
Meanwhile, the quality of single men will only decline as I get older.
The good ones will be taken, and by the time I hit 30, they'll more than likely be non-existent.

So, if I ever get married, I would honestly like to do so before I hit 30.
I just don't know if that's going to happen though. I'm only attracted to two types of guys:

Hipsters, as mentioned above... and nerds.

Now, I don't see anything wrong with nerds. In fact, I'm also nerdy as all hell.
Nerds and I have much in common:

• Intelligence
• Interests (Video Games, Music, Movies, Shows)
• Personality

Looking back on my dating history, all of my boyfriends have been nerds.
This is not to say that I will date just anybody that plays video games and torrents media, but there are some out there (one in particular comes to mind) that are awesome enough to make me think about them more than just in passing.

Who knows if I'll ever get married. I hope he's cute, and nerdy, and has tattoos, and quite possibly owns some v-necks... whoever and wherever he is.

I definitely can't marry a hipster though, that's for sure.
And he'll need to be able to beat me in Street Fighter 2.  ;]

Sex And The Kitty... Two Single Twenty-Somethings On The Prowl

That was the title of the joint blog my best friend and I were originally going to have. It was basically the same premise as this blog, the exploits of two single girls. I ended up making this instead, and she was involved with someone on a long term basis.

Last night, she informed me that she was no longer involved... so we planned a celebration, of sorts! We went to Blue Martini for Karaoke Night. I honestly enjoyed myself. Free drinks, an awesome atmosphere, and my best friend makes for an epic night. And an epic night it was...

It's so crazy to realize how close you are to someone when you haven't seen each other nearly as often as times past. She was (is) my best friend, and I'm happy that we still connect so well. She is the Barbie to my Kira, together we are future sailors. We used to have a group of us, and we were all so close. Summer of 2008 was the best summer, the best year, of my entire life. It didn't matter that I lived in Vegas and wasn't even 21. The friends I had, the times we shared, were truly ineffable. I don't know that I will ever live life to the fullest like I did back then. That's silly of me to say, I'm not even 23 yet. I guess that I mean to say that those days are something I can't ever get back, and I'm feeling pretty nostalgic right about now. We talked a lot about how everything was, and how much has changed since then.

This is going to be a rambling post, I already know it. Blame it on the hangover. haha.

Let's get back to last night. It was karaoke night at Blue Martini, and let me just say that they really take their karaoke seriously! When it's your turn, you go up on stage under a crazy amount of lights and the song you pick is performed by a live band. Seriously epic. Several drinks into our evening, we decide to go for it and we enter our submission. I suppose the drinks had already taken their effect and I was under the assumption that we really weren't going to get called up. Then we did. As I stumbled up the stairs, I kept thinking how bad it was that I wore those particular pumps. They're so cute, but so impractical for stair-climbing to karaoke stardom.

The first strains of Bon Jovi's Living On A Prayer were heard, and I couldn't judge the crowd accurately, as the lights were so bright. I didn't have time to feel self-conscious because we were already on... All I know is that the place was packed, and I was about to sing my little asian heart out with my best friend. And sing we did. I got over my nervousness and just got into the song. I guess it's the fact that Bon Jovi is so inspiring, or it could be that the drinks did their job well, who knows. I loved every single second of it. I can't help but feel that we must have been terrible, but we received so many compliments afterward, so we must have done pretty well.

Flash forward a couple of drinks.

We hadn't gotten called up again, and the night started dragging.

My best friend had sent a dirty text to the Other Boy, pretending to be me. He hadn't gone along with it.

A dancing couple had bumped me off of my chair and I had fallen on the ground in an unladylike manner.

The bartender kept giving me water, as I had obviously drank a little too much.

That may or may not have been a factor in us not getting called up again, but it was still highly disappointing. I finally tracked the karaoke girl down, and she promised us that we would be up. Twenty minutes later, we still hadn't gotten called up and it was already the wee hours of the morning. So we left, but not before complaining to the manager.

I forgot to mention that she is casually dating a casino owner, so she has skills that I have yet to attain, when it comes to critiquing a place and letting the establishment know. We walked away with 50 dollars worth of comps for our next visit! I need to work on the art of being sufficiently unsatisfied, that is so crazy. I'm looking at the vouchers now, they're still lying on the floor from when I had stumbled into my apartment.

Which reminds me, I should probably start getting for work... I loved going out with her last night. Being single isn't so bad, I feel. We might not be actively on the prowl, but it's fun to go out with an open mind.

I really have to start getting ready now. My knee is bloody and I'm sure questions will be asked if I just leave it uncovered.  I wonder where my Hello Kitty band-aids are...? ;]

Online Dating... Finding Love (Or A New Lay) On The Interwebs

Where do I start? Online dating is the object of both scorn and fascination, ridicule and curiosity.

If someone talks about online dating, that brings up visions of E-harmony, Match.com and lame yuppies testifying their love stories and how grateful they are and how it's all thanks to this website or that website, etc etc. The majority of people would laugh it off, and say how one could not possibly be serious about finding love on the internet.

Who does that, I mean really?





......Okay, I have to make a confession.
I have also dabbled in this Potential-Dating-Via-The-Interwebs.

Of course I have, what other reason would I have for this post?
That being said, I tend to think I have a slightly different approach to it. The reason I haven't discounted the World Wide Web as a dating forum is because I have actually met a couple of interesting people.

After The Boy dumped me, I thought that online dating might be an option.
At the very least, it would give me something else to think about.

So I went on one of my older profiles on a certain site.
No, I won't tell you what site I was on.
But I will tell you that I did. I posted new pictures of myself. I edited and vamped up my profile.
I figured, what is there to lose?
And then it happened. The views. The PMs that kept popping up every time I logged on. Having to sift through the dozens of messages I was getting bombarded with, because I was basically new prey (and not too bad looking, I'd like to think). And last but not least, the creepers. Dear God, the creepers.

I'm not going to lie, it was flattering. No matter that the majority of these guys just wanted to get in my pants. The fact that they took the time to tell me how awesome my profile was, or how cute/beautiful/pretty/gorgeous/hot I was made me feel better about myself. Of course, guys say shit like this all the time to get laid. But after a short while, I had gotten a system down. The creepers would get told off, in a scathing reply. The guys that weren't interesting got ignored. And the cute ones would get replies.

I had some interesting conversations on there. It even got to the point where I wasn't really looking for anyone to date, but someone that seemed worth talking to. Getting to know someone over the internet has its good and bad points. You can talk to them about any number of subjects, and because you're not face to face there is more comfort. You can talk about things you normally wouldn't right away.

It's easier to get to know someone without all the awkwardness of seeing them in person, wondering if they think you look okay, if you are interesting or not. On the internet, if the conversation isn't going anywhere, it's easy to remedy that. Whether it be by clicking that little 'x' in the top right corner and not talking to them anymore or just finding something new to talk about at a later time, it's much easier to hold conversation because the pauses aren't awkward pauses.

I made friends, and had people that I could talk to. One guy in particular, let's call him Massachusetts, I hit it off with pretty well. I had been randomly perusing people's profiles, and had come across his. His profile was funny, light, and refreshing. Up until that point, the majority of guys' profiles held all the same boring stuff on it. 'I'm fun, I like to have a good time, I'm into sports, I'm down to earth, etc.' Blah blah blah. When I came across Massachusetts', I was so relieved to see someone that seemed normal, and had a sense of humor. Under the section of favorite TV shows, he had put: 'Jackie Chan Adventures'. I saw that, and thought, 'Hell yeah. This guy is obviously cool.' It also helped that I thought he was super cute, haha. So I did what I normally wouldn't do, I sent him the message. And he replied. And from there we just kept talking, and talking. If he lived in my area, I'd totally date him. But that's a bit unrealistic, so we are pretty good friends (I like to think). I'm actually talking to him at this very moment, if that shows how well we get along at all.

So yes, I had quite a number of good conversations. So much so, that I decided that it might be cool to actually meet one of these guys in my own area, to see how it would go.
It didn't go nearly as well as I thought. If it might clear things up a little, they were both military guys. I normally detest the military, and anyone associated with it, but they were both nerdy, seemed cool, and we talked pretty extensively so I thought it would be interesting to meet them. The first one was a complete and utter fail. We'll call him Ohio, since that's where he came from. He was younger than me by a couple of years, so that should have been the first warning sign. We hung out, and I was too caught up in having someone pay attention to me and think I was attractive to notice what should have stood out: He was young and needy. I overlooked the warning signs, and he became attached rather quickly. He asked me to be his girlfriend, and in a spur of the moment decision, aided and encouraged by my stupid friend (who is no longer my friend) and against my better judgment, I said, "Sure, I guess I can be your girlfriend." Boy, that was a seriously dumb move on my part. I ended up getting drunk the next night and sleeping with someone I had liked/been attracted to for a long while. Upon waking the next morning, I knew I had to end things. I let him know that I had gotten drunk and slept with a friend, and that it was completely unacceptable on my part, and that I couldn't be his girlfriend. If he wanted to remain friends, cool. If not, I understood. He, on the other hand, had other ideas. He still wanted to be with me. I should have just stopped talking to him then. But I felt bad, and continued to talk to him. Not even a month of knowing him, however, turned him into a Stage 5 Clinger. He told me he was falling in love with me, he even mentioned marriage multiple times. Oh no. After some drama, I decided to cut things off completely. Even then, he kept trying to remain in contact. He wouldn't delete my number when I asked him to, stating he wanted to remember me... You can remember me without having my number in your phone, buddy. I blocked him on multiple things: facebook, aim, skype, even that dating site (that I will still not name, haha).

I was horrified that something so small could turn into something so big. I didn't want to deal with it. So I became extremely picky with who I talked to on that website. I didn't want another Ohio incident to happen, ever again. Time passed, and I started talking to someone else. That turned out pretty similar, but not nearly to that level of communication. We talked, started texting, hung out, and he got too familiar. So I stopped talking to him too.

I didn't realize online dating had such pitfalls, I thought that it was easy. You make a profile, you write about yourself, you find someone interesting, you talk, you hang out, and there you go. I found out the hard way that online dating is really hit and miss. I know better now, and barely talk to anyone on there. There are a couple of people that I could potentially hang out with in the future, but that is in the far future. My radar is on, I'm extremely cautious about who I talk to.

If you want to go way back, back to the days of my teenage years, it's truth that I actually met The Boy over the internet.We were on a social/dating website, and he messaged me or I messaged him.

 I don't really remember how it started, but I do know that I thought he was the hottest guy I had ever seen. 

Blue eyes, black hair, he was such a dreamy punk/ska kid. He was also a couple of years older than me, so the fact that he had taken an interest in me was exciting and flattering, to say the least. 

Months of correspondence, aim conversations and a break up on my end later, we met. And were attracted to each other. And eventually (you can probably see where this is going), we had sex. 

And it was (again, you can probably see where this is going) effing amazing.  

Not only did he and I keep in touch over the years, we became friends. Years down the line, we lived together and had become ensconced in a a serious relationship. Of course, we know how that turned out. 

The point being that sometimes good things can come out of meeting people online. 

I think, however, I might stay away from the internet when it comes to actually dating. I'm still open to it, but I'm probably going to see if I can't hang out with someone IRL. Hanging out with people I meet online doesn't seem like a good idea. Unless, of course, Massachusetts decides to visit. Haha. ;]

New Year, New Start... or so they say.

2010 was by far the worst year of my entire life.

My boyfriend of 2 years, The Boy I had known since I was 15, The Boy I was 100 % head over heels in love with, The Boy I secretly thought I would end up marrying, dumped me on my 22nd birthday. That was March of 2010.

I tried to stop talking to him... That failed.
I tried to get over him... That also failed.

I slept with other guys... That was a bust.
And then after not seeing him for a long time, he came over. And we had sex.
And it was amazing.

So we started sleeping together again.

Recently, it had been decided that if we were going to keep banging, we wouldn't bang other people.
Now, one would think that if we still cared about each other (which we did) and weren't sleeping with other people (which we weren't), getting back together would be easy.
Wrong.

The Boy simply doesn't want a relationship.

I know what you're thinking. This is a terrible idea. He doesn't want anything serious, so why waste my time?
It's that L word. It's a pain in my ass.
It's not that he's a terrible human being and is just using me, it's just that where we're going in life is taking us in two completely different directions. It's not fair to him or to me to want something more than what we already have when inevitably he will leave Vegas to pursue his dreams.

At least, that's what I keep telling myself. But it's been 9 months since he's broken my heart, and right when I think it's starting to really heal, he comes along and messes things up again.

It is now 2011, and I really need to make some changes in my life, him being one of them.

But how can one possibly let go of a person they cared for so deeply, had invested so much of themselves in?
Staying on this path will surely lead to destruction. But the thought of eliminating all forms of communication between he and I is also equally horrifying to me.
Not only is he The Boy I love(d), but my best friend, my confidante, the one who knows me best. He's seen me at my best and worst, we have been through so much together... How I just walk away from all of that?

Logically, the best course of action would be to stop talking to him completely.
I just can't bring myself to do it. My brain screams to let him go, my heart begs to let him stay.
And so we are at an impasse.

The question is, what do I do in this situation?

For now, I am going to try to see what's out there. This doesn't mean I'm going to sleep with other people, or try to, as I'm still in that arrangement I mentioned earlier. But I think that I may just stop and take a second glance if I see a cute boy. Maybe strike up a conversation, or go out on a date. Or two. Or three.

Hell, I went on a date earlier this week. It was really nice, and I liked seeing this Other Boy again, and it gave me hope. Not hope that I would be in another relationship with this Other Boy, but hope that I would be okay.
I like having hope. I won't talk about this Other Boy right now, because that is a whole post within itself. Let's just say that I enjoyed myself, more than I had expected.

I think I'm going to enjoy this year, honestly.
It sure as hell can't be any worse than the last one. ;]