Don't Mind Me, I'm Just Feeling Sorry For Myself

Respect, much like trust, is nearly impossible to regain once lost. 

That's how it works for me, at least. 

When you care so much about a person, when you've cared about a person for so long, how do you just let it all go?  It's so difficult to walk away, to cut ties with that person, with whom you've shared so much over the years.

Granted, The Boy doesn't seem to be making it very hard for me to do so at this point.

It just sucks. I'm doing my best to get over myself, and get over him. 

I thought we were such close friends. I suppose it really is impossible to remain friends after a break up, regardless of how close you might have once been before/during the actual relationship.

It's been made abundantly clear to me how our situation is. I don't know what I was expecting, but I thought I meant more than that. I never thought we would get back together, and yet I didn't think he'd treat my heart so callously. So many questions running through my head, never to be asked, never to be answered.

I tried to cut The Boy out of my life completely once before. I stopped talking to him, and whenever I did deign to comment on one of his stati, it wasn't very nice.  Our mutual friends would tell me that I needed to lay off a little bit on the mean streak I was on... I was being a bitch, but it was working.

This was months ago. I thought that, finally, I was starting to really move past this emotional rut I've been stuck in. And then he barged right back into my apartment, into my life, into my heart. 

The thing is, I know that nothing is going to help me but time. I can't invest myself into anything when I still need to rid myself of all this emotional baggage. What a terrible word, baggage. I never wanted to be the kind of person that admittedly has baggage, but here I am... and there it is. The memories, the hope, the hurt.. all of it just hanging over my head (and heart), like an executioner's ax.

I know the majority of my friends are probably frustrated with me over The Boy. 

I also know that I should probably cease all forms of communication with him, regardless of whether or not he still wants to be in my life. It's a simple decision, right? 

In theory, this is correct. 

In reality, or at least in my reality, this is almost impossible.

I have spurned so many people for him, and ended up getting hurt each time. 

You would think I'd have learned my lesson by now.

This time around, I'm honestly trying.

I don't want to make all the same mistakes.

Even still...

The depth of this feeling overwhelms me.
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