2010 was by far the worst year of my entire life.
My boyfriend of 2 years, The Boy I had known since I was 15, The Boy I was 100 % head over heels in love with, The Boy I secretly thought I would end up marrying, dumped me on my 22nd birthday. That was March of 2010.
I tried to stop talking to him... That failed.
I tried to get over him... That also failed.
I slept with other guys... That was a bust.
And then after not seeing him for a long time, he came over. And we had sex.
And it was amazing.
So we started sleeping together again.
Recently, it had been decided that if we were going to keep banging, we wouldn't bang other people.
Now, one would think that if we still cared about each other (which we did) and weren't sleeping with other people (which we weren't), getting back together would be easy.
Wrong.
The Boy simply doesn't want a relationship.
I know what you're thinking. This is a terrible idea. He doesn't want anything serious, so why waste my time?
It's that L word. It's a pain in my ass.
It's not that he's a terrible human being and is just using me, it's just that where we're going in life is taking us in two completely different directions. It's not fair to him or to me to want something more than what we already have when inevitably he will leave Vegas to pursue his dreams.
At least, that's what I keep telling myself. But it's been 9 months since he's broken my heart, and right when I think it's starting to really heal, he comes along and messes things up again.
It is now 2011, and I really need to make some changes in my life, him being one of them.
But how can one possibly let go of a person they cared for so deeply, had invested so much of themselves in?
Staying on this path will surely lead to destruction. But the thought of eliminating all forms of communication between he and I is also equally horrifying to me.
Not only is he The Boy I love(d), but my best friend, my confidante, the one who knows me best. He's seen me at my best and worst, we have been through so much together... How I just walk away from all of that?
Logically, the best course of action would be to stop talking to him completely.
I just can't bring myself to do it. My brain screams to let him go, my heart begs to let him stay.
And so we are at an impasse.
The question is, what do I do in this situation?
For now, I am going to try to see what's out there. This doesn't mean I'm going to sleep with other people, or try to, as I'm still in that arrangement I mentioned earlier. But I think that I may just stop and take a second glance if I see a cute boy. Maybe strike up a conversation, or go out on a date. Or two. Or three.
Hell, I went on a date earlier this week. It was really nice, and I liked seeing this Other Boy again, and it gave me hope. Not hope that I would be in another relationship with this Other Boy, but hope that I would be okay.
I like having hope. I won't talk about this Other Boy right now, because that is a whole post within itself. Let's just say that I enjoyed myself, more than I had expected.
I think I'm going to enjoy this year, honestly.
It sure as hell can't be any worse than the last one. ;]
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