You'll rise above the sea of doubts into a world full of clouds, alive

It's been quite a while since this has been updated. When last we met, I was in a bit of a rough spot.
Looking back, the gaffe I made is amusing, but at the time, it was such a terrible spot to be in.
Long story short, this guy that I had made a connection with, who I had been talking to for several months, wanted to cool things down because in the midst of a drunken sexcapade (yes, I said sexcapade.. I'm judging myself, trust me), I called out the name of The Boy. My ex - The Boy who, after all this time, was still in my life.

Horrible, I know.
It wasn't that I didn't care about this guy, I had feelings for him and wanted to see where they would take me.  But that day was the day I had gotten some of the worst news of my life, and had consequently spent the entire day in mourning and drinking myself into a stupor. He was there for me that entire day, and for that I will always be grateful. However, late that evening, after a full day of drowning myself in alcohol, it appears that mind-blowing, awesome sex triggers muscle memory, in this case, in the form of my vocal chords acting out of their own volition.  It wasn't even a quiet sound, it was loud. Loud, and mortifying.

(On a side note: this has actually to me one other time, with a rebound boyfriend. I didn't mean to at all, The Boy was the last thing on my mind, and yet, I said his name. I can only assume it's because my body and heart knew all along what and who I really wanted. That's what I like to tell myself, at least.)

Needless to say, his ardor was considerably cooled and so was our budding relationship-thing.
It was still salvageable, but it was at this point that things with said ex came to a head when I decided to call it quits, which prompted him to make a stand and declare that things could work between us, and end the thing he had with someone else provided I end the thing I had with the guy I was kind of seeing, so we could be exclusive.  They say to be young is a wonderful thing, you can live your life and do what you want, but in reality, it is never as glamorous as television, movies, and literature make it out to be.

I'd like to say that we lived happily ever after, but again, real life is never so cut and dried.
We've had our problems, but the important thing to take away from it all is that we are there for each other, and work through issues, instead of fight against one another.

It's been over a year later, and things are wonderful. We have a beautiful home, a great relationship, and a future together.  I wouldn't exchange my life for anything or anyone else. The Boy (yes, The Boy who is the cause of this blog even being in existence) is loving, supportive, funny, and complements me perfectly in every way. Looking back, it's taken a long time for us to finally be at this point that we are happy and both fully committed for the long haul.  I have never been so content and happy as I have been now... except there is this one little thing that has been bothering me. Which, I might add, is a perfect example of human nature and how one can never be just plain content with what one has. It's (dun dun DUN) ...marriage.

After all is said and done, am I really letting the thought of marriage ruin my otherwise ideal relationship?
The answer is no. However, he is not the marriage type, and while I could easily see us spending our lives together, I know that a ceremony and all that entails is not for him, and therefore, not for me.
Who knows, maybe it'll happen when I least expect it.

After all, I never thought we would get back together.
As a matter of fact, I was 100% certain that was out of the question, and would never happen.
Yet, here we are. ;]

So Let's Set The World On Fire, We Can Burn Brighter Than The Sun

It's odd really.

My love life is just one big rollercoaster, and I don't necessarily think that's what I'm looking for.
I like someone, but circumstances are less than optimal, due to a huge gaffe on my end.
His friend says that there's still a chance, and that he stated before all that happened that he really liked me... I hope there is still something salvageable out of that, because I like him a lot. Blargh.
Whoever said that dating gets easier with age is a dirty liar. 

I had a heart then but the queen has been overthrown

I honestly do not know what I want anymore. This year is the time that I'm finally putting myself first.
Yes, I would love to have a boyfriend... I want someone to come home to, someone to cuddle with, someone to make dinner and watch movies with, but more than anything, I want to be happy. Whether that be with or without someone. I love meeting new people, and being single, but at the same time, I want that person to just goof off with and be 100% myself around. Moving forward, I'm going to do what's best for me, and see where it takes me. So far, it's been pretty rad, and it's not even the end of January.

I am fucking fabulous.
It's a shame I forgot about that until now.

Keep On Keepin' On

It's definitely been a while since I've had reason to write in this.
As much as you might care about someone, when do you say enough is enough?
It only hurts more the longer you hold on, and I've finally realized that I am not a girl that is able to let go easily.

I've decided that I won't let it hold me back. Never give up, never give in.
I've started to put myself back out there, and I have mixed feelings about it.
It's not a secret that I have an admirer or two, but it always happens that they are just not what I am looking for. Although really, do I even know what I'm looking for?

I've gone on a couple of dates, some good, some bad.
At this point in my life, I like the idea of casual dating, but I envy those in real relationships.I have a lot of personal things I need to sort out before I attempt a new relationship, but it's nice to think about.

In other news, I had something interesting happen the other night.
I have been talking to a boy over the past couple of weeks, technically an ex.We were only 'together' for a short while, and were never intimate (high school, obviously).  I don't have any good nicknames for him, so for now we'll call him Link, due to his lustrous blonde locks and gorgeous blue eyes. The other night, we decided to hang out on a whim, after not seeing each other for years.

He picked me up and took me to his brother's house around midnight, and we spent the entire night drinking and talking. There were other people there, of course, but everything pretty much tapered down to him and I and one other guy, just hanging out and having a good time. Around 5:00 am, we decide to lie down, and at that point the other guy put on spanish guitar music and proceeded to dance with a VENGEANCE for about 3-4 hours. It was absolutely hilarious.

He and I cuddled, kissed, and fell asleep finally late morning, and he took me to work.
I had such an amazing night! It makes me smile just thinking about it.
He is really sweet, and it was completely unexpected. I'm just going to go with it, and see what happens.

Barbie is coming over to help me put up my tree, and I'll tell her about Link then.
He invited me out to my favorite bar, it turns out he goes every Sunday, while I normally go on Wednesday for Karaoke nights. So I'm going to go tonight and see how that goes, haha.

Wish me luck?

Out Of The Frying Pan, Into The Fire

I feel like I've traded one batch of sorrows for another.

How is it possible to love so much and hurt so much, all at the same time?

Oh, I guess I should give everyone a heads up: not single anymore.

I just want to be happy. I just want to love someone that loves me back.

Am I not deserving of it?

All of the old fears, insecurities, sadness... it all comes rushing back everytime we get into a fight.

I thought for once I was doing something right, but I always do something wrong.

Can't You Feel My Heartbeat Slow, I Can't Let You Go

Why is it that there are so many options available to me, and the only one I want is unattainable?

I want what I want, but I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings along the way.  

I don't like getting caught up, and somehow that always seems to happen to me.

I like someone, but I feel like things are progressing way too fast. 

I can't help but feel that my actions have only encouraged that, and I'm not sure what it is exactly that I should do at this point.

I want a boyfriend, but I want to be single. 

I want someone to cuddle with, but I want my space, my freedom. 

I am fully aware that I can't have my cake and eat it too, but I honestly don't know what I want right now.

I thought I did, but things are so confusing.

I'm just as bad as The Boy, it seems.

I suppose you could say I want closeness and intimacy, but at the same time I feel like familiarity can only come after a certain point. 

I can already tell that I feel like I need to push away, and I don't understand why I feel this urge so strongly if I actually like this person.

I'm going to a late lunch with The Boy and his daughter, and my own will come along as well. After everything that has happened between us, I'm surprised that we are talking when I was under the impression that we weren't. It's for the best that we probably only meet to let the girls play.  

I wonder if I will always remain this way.

Take A Number Where The Blood Just Barely Dried

I can't do this.
I really, just can't.